Do you hate to ask for what you want (or think you deserve)? You’re not alone.  Linda C. Babcock, professor of economics at Carnegie Mellon and author of Women Don’t Ask, looked at the ways men and women negotiate. She got the idea when her female doctoral students complained that they weren’t offered teaching assistant positions, despite never asking for them:

“The dean said each of the guys had come to him and said, ‘I want to teach a course,’ and none of the women had done that,” (Babcock) said. “The female students had expected someone to send around an e-mail saying, ‘Who wants to teach?’ “

Need more proof? Read this anonymous post from a manager for a multinational tech company:

“…a woman will enter the salary negotiation phase and I’ll tell them a number will be sent to them in a couple days. Usually we start around $45k for an entry level position. 50% to 60% of the women I interview simply take this offer. It’s insane, I already know I can get authorization for more if you simply refuse. Inversely, almost 90% of the men I interview immediately ask for more upon getting the offer.

The next major mistake happens with how they ask for more. In general, the women I have negotiated with will say 45k is not enough and they need more, but not give a number. I will then usually give a nominal bump to 48k or 50k. Company policy won’t let me bump more than 5k over the initial offer unless they specifically request more. On the other hand, men more frequently will come back with a number along the lines of 65k to 75k, and I will be forced to negotiate down from there. After this phase, almost all women will take the offer or move on to somewhere else, not knowing they could have gotten more if they asked.

At the end, most of the women I hire make between 45k and 50k, whereas the men make between 60k and 70k. Even more crazy, they ask for raises far less often, so the disparity only grows.”

The First Rule of Negotiation: Ask for What You Want

Whether it’s a salary, a promotion, a specific behavior, or getting the best deal when buying a car, you have to know the outcome you want and what you’re willing to do to get it.

Babcock conducted experiments to figure out why women wouldn’t ask for what they wanted.  She claims that her results show that men don’t want to work with women who ask for what they want.  Babcock also quotes the absurd trope that women make 23% less then men, so I’m disinclined to take her word*. It’s more likely that the men weren’t turned off by women asking for what they wanted, but by the way those women did so:

The Second Rule of Negotiation: Keep Your Emotions in Check

Be willing to walk away from any deal.  As women, we often show our emotion by talking loudly or shrilly. We talk too much. Or worst of all, we cry. To control your emotions, detach yourself from the outcome.  Pretend you’re negotiating for someone else. It’s easier to be tough on someone else’s behalf.

The Third Rule of Negotiation: Give to Get

Find out what the other party wants, then figure out how to give it to them. Juliet Nierenberg, author of Women and the Art of Negotiation explains:

One of the most overlooked features of negotiating successfully is trying to figure everything from the other point of view. We’re so stuck in our own point of view that we don’t stop to consider, how will they look at all of this? What possible things are going on in their minds?

Looking at the transaction from the other party’s viewpoint gives you valuable information about when to compromise, when to hold your position, and when to walk away.

The Fourth Rule of Negotiation: Be Prepared

She who has the most information wins. Do your homework. Know more than your opposition, but don’t use the information to prove how smart you are: use it to make your case. Being prepared will also calm your nerves.

Being prepared doesn’t mean you should do all the talking.

The Fifth Rule of Negotiation: Stop Talking

State your case concisely. Provide the relevant facts to back up your argument. Then, shut up.

One of 2 things will happen. The other person will jump right in with a response, or the silence will deafen you.  Either way, keep quiet until the other person asks you a direct question.

You can learn and eventually perfect negotiation. Just like driving a car or tying your shoes.  Start by using the 5 rules in low-risk situations. Evaluate your performance and outcomes. As you practice, you’ll improve.

*The article quoting Babcock linked above even debunks that statistic: “That figure does not take differing professions and educational levels into account, but when those and other factors are controlled for, women who work full time and have never taken time off to have children earn about 11% less than men with equivalent education and experience.”